Took a leap, missed the shore, stuck in the sea in between
3:43 p.m. x 06.02.09
Sorry for the lack of updates. The usual reason applies.
School's killing me.
Yet I slacked the entire week away, doing non-value adding things. I'm just so weary...so demotivated.
But life has to go on.
My mood took a 180 degrees turned during class today (we only had one class today, the other one was cancelled). We were to discuss in groups some questions, which involved the calculating of ROI, Standard Deviation etc etc...I realised that I've forgotten much of s.d., which was what followed me through JC. That got me pissed off, with myself. I could feel, more clearly than ever, that I'm really departing from my comfort zone. The thing is, I took a risk by moving away from the science field and towards the financial world, which I hold less interest in. Now, instead of landing on that shore, I find myself stuck in the sea in between. I'm neither here nor there. I used to be proud of at least the scientific knowledge I had, although my financial knowledge was weaker than my friends'. Now, I can't even be proud of it.
Fortunately, my day was saved by the last 10 mins of class. The tutor returned us our Ethics Essay Quiz. My heart sank when I heard of his intention because from what I remember, I didn't complete even 75% of what I set out to write. So I was expecting a low B or C even. The tutor even went on to say, "Don't be shocked when you see your grades. I marked quite strictly so if the other tutors didn't mark as strict, I'll moderate." So that made me lower my expectations to a C.
I got a B+!
In the past, even that would disappoint me. But not anymore. I find that sometimes, when you have low expectations, the same mark can have a different impact on you. Having seen good grades all my life till now, I took them for granted. But now, I can empathise with why some people dislike the system of meritocracy. Whatever the case, I'll just do what I can. I'm...reaching a burnout stage where I need to slow down.
Oh btw, Sam and ck commented on something I never realised. Please confirm if it's true.
When I go "Huh?" at someone/something, I tend to draw a deep breath and then deliver the 'huh' as I force that breath back out. Is that true? o.O I never noticed.
------------------------忘記Mr. Right 愛Mr. Wrong一次
3:21 p.m. x 26.01.09
Contains Chinese characters. Rmb to change the encoding to Chinese
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!! Today's 初一 and I'm sure most of us are visiting our relatives. While waiting for people to come over, I'll share with you guys this song I heard Fiona Sit (HK singer/actress) sing on yesterday's countdown in hk. The tune is quite nice and a few short portions bear resemblance with very famous piece by Theresa Teng. But I love the lyrics the best....And this line struck a chord with me.
忘記Mr. Right 愛Mr. Wrong一次
Forget Mr Right, love Mr Wrong, just once
Sometimes, it's best to just take the plunge. You'd never know how things may turn out.
Not perfect, but definitely better than expected.
甜蜜蜜
作曲: 方大同
填詞: 黃偉文
編曲: 方大同
監製: 崔炎德 / 方大同
甜蜜蜜 甜蜜蜜
但我想 下嫁的 共你不 相似
你不是 從來 也不是
但我想 愉快的 錯一次
Sweetly, sweetly
But you're not like the one I wish to marry
You are not. You never were
But I want to happily err just once
其實我只求相處 貪你的甜言蜜語
講起戒指 卻非那回事
若你這刻 能有趣地 為我寫一句詩
誰又介意 誰人沒夾萬鎖匙
Actually, I just want to be with you, want your sweet nothings
As for the ring, it's nothing of that sort
If you could write a poem for me right now
Who would mind if you don't have the key to the safe
不太易 男朋友 hey 我想話你知
這種精緻 來年成熟了 也安定了
無權來亂試 凝視你 怎制止
忘記Mr. Right 愛Mr. Wrong一次
It's not easy, Boyfriend, hey I want to tell you
These feelings, will mature and stablise
No right to test and try. Gazing at you, how do I stop
Forget Mr Right, love Mr Wrong, just once
甜蜜蜜 你呀 甜蜜蜜
但我想 下嫁的 共你不相似
你不是 從來 也不是
但我想 愉快的 錯一次
Sweetly, sweetly
But you're not like the one I wish to marry
You are not. You never were
But I want to happily err just once
誰是對的還不知 新襯衣仍然亂試
即使錯的 也想要留住
就算有天 尋到對像 讓我安心靠依
誰又似你 曾甜極美極一時
Still don't know who is the right one, still trying on new clothes
Even if it's the wrong one, still wish to keep it
Even if I find the one whom I can rely on
Who could be like you, once so sweet and beautiful
不太易 男朋友 hey 我想話你知
這種精緻 來年成熟了 也安定了
無權來亂試 甜蜜那麼自私
忘記Mr. Right 愛Mr. Wrong一次
It's not easy, Boyfriend, hey I want to tell you
These feelings, will mature and stablise
No right to test and try. The sweetness is so selfish
Forget Mr Right, love Mr Wrong, just once
不太易 男朋友 hey 我想話你知
這種精緻 來年成熟了 也安定了
無權來亂試 原諒我不顧矜持
忘記Mr. Right 愛Mr. Wrong一次
It's not easy, Boyfriend, hey I want to tell you
These feelings, will mature and stablise
No right to test and try. Forgive me for my lack of control
Forget Mr Right, love Mr Wrong, just once
During reunion dinner last night, I suddenly got overwhelmed but negative feelings......I tried hard to recall things about Zhihao gorgor....I could remember events, but not full details. I could remember his face, but it's getting blurry. I'm so afraid I would forget him one day......the person I grew up, who was always playing with me whenever mom left me at gugu's place. Life was so hard for gugu, after her husbad got a stroke...and now, gorgor's gone. It's so scary how people can leave so suddenly. Like Nian Ning. I never knew till Yoda told me. She had such a promising future. She was such a nice person. And she left just like that. If I were to go too, would anyone realise? Will my disappearance be noticed as something out-of-the-place, something to be investigated? And after that, will time wash away all traces of me? Will people forget me? It's scary. It's saddening. =( So, let's cherish the people around us and creat memories of each other, so we'll forever live on (at least till those people move on).
------------------------visiting the dentist
6:04 p.m. x 20.01.09
I face one of my greatest fears today.
I went to the dentist.
To you it may be a silly fear, but it does take a whole lot of courage for me to step into the dental clinic. It's so bad that that I have nightmares periodically about the same thing - my teeeth crumbling into bits and pieces and me rushing to the dentist (evil laughter). Periodically, meaning the fear is really deep in me.
It's like a viscious cycle. I'm afraid of dental trips, I don't go, my teeth gets problematic, I'm afraid of what the dentist will do/say, I don't go, my teeth gets more problematic,.......
During the whole half an hour inside, I was singing (in my mind) songs to keep myself from thinking about what's going on, and the abrupt sharp pain that would suddenly come and go. There was Park Yongha, Raymond Lam, but mainly Arashi....the song Believe kept replaying and replaying, and suddenly, I thought of the pain Aiba had back then when his lungs gave him problems....and that gave me a bit more courage to last through the 30 min.
Arashi has healing powers.
But the reason why I stepped into the clinic in the first place...was because of the encouragement and coaxing (and threats) from the best person ever. =) *hugs and kisses*
------------------------Slacking, a lot.
12:08 a.m. x 19.01.09
I'm ecstatic.
I haven't been doing much studying, I feel so guilty,
but not regretful.
Because the past week was so enjoyable!!
Keith came back last weekend for a short holiday (he's leaving next weekend). It has been almost 6 months since we met, face-to-face.
Gotta enjoy it while it lasts!
So, to hell with all the readings arghhhhhhhhhhhh.
Nah, I'll still read, of course...school's still the most important. Although I'm disillusioned.
I was going to school last week when I got onto this 'new' train. The ads panels at the top of the doors were all changed to display the mrt map. Each station was represented by a light which indicated which stop we were at. And then it also showed the side the doors would open at the coming stop.
It's like Japan's train mixed with HK's. But whatever. I haven't seen that train anymore. Just like the new 'less seats' type, I only saw it once.
And, my msn nick for the past few weeks, before he came, was really meaningful to me, so I thought it deserved a place here. =)
"When your goals become impossible, life becomes much easier."
------------------------Cruel hope
5:28 p.m. x 05.01.09
ok, I've learnt my lesson.
About my post in the morning...
I came home and did some calculations.
In order to reach 4.5 for first class honours, I need to score an A for every single subject (including electives) from now on. And that will earn me 4.51.
It is impossible.
Furthermore, if I were to go overseas on exchange, the subjects I take on exchange will not count towards the cgpa, and so, the poor results from before will have even greater weightage, meaning 4.5 is impossible to reach.
Plus, I still have one PE to fulfil and I have a feeling I won't score that well in the AHSS PE - I was intending to SU it.
What a cruel joke.
If it has become impossible to reach 4.5, I would just get upset and feel demoralised over it for a few days. But now, you give me a glimmer of hope, although it is quite impossible, given the constraints and the increase in difficulty of the year 3 (and even now, the Y2S2 subjects) subjects, that hope is the most cruel thing right now. It's like, there, but so not attainable!
Goodbye my 4.5
Damn my Sem 1. Damn OB, damn Law subjects, and biggest damn to Marketing. =(
------------------------First day of school
10:43 a.m. x 05.01.09
YES!
First day of school....so, I'm supposed to be sad right?
But I came to school early to settle some admin, notes etc etc stuff...and as I was checking my degree audit to get the results to be used in the submission of AU overload form.
4.35!
Last Friday, I saw it was 4.24, which I felt was very8 similar to my previous sem's (ok, prev prev sem's). I couldn't really remember.
But today I checked, it was changed!!!!!!!
A little progress only, and not much help towards first class.
But, I'm happy. SNAIL PACE is better than NO PACE.
People, jiayou for this sem!
------------------------Sleepover!
4:20 p.m. x 03.01.09
Sleepover was fun! Not exactly a sleepover though, because there wasn't late night talks which lasted till we all fell asleep. In fact, none of us slept, although most of us were on the verge of sleeping at one point in time, before shuwen's great suggestion of Bridge woke us up.
I use to dislike Bridge, which I had picked up from Emily, because I always make the wrong moves, mistake people for partners, mislead people into thinking I'm their partner, because my moves aren't really well-planned....but then, maybe it's because of the people I was playing with, this time I quite enjoyed the game. At least I don't feel so guilty when I make mistakes or do stupid things. Ah....one of the great things about being with people you've known for so long...the ease..
I had initially wanted to sleepover with shuwen and yayun, but plans changed and chenwee and jialiang (yy's bf) came too. First time meeting jl but he seems quite a nice guy, friendly, happy, lame, and most importantly, nice to yayun. Chenwee was a bit weird...not as lame, energetic as usual, not as big a glutton as usual....and it kind of disturbed me for a while. I guess it's because he didn't sleep much on Wed night, and had to drive back from Genting on Thurs morning and didn't sleep much on Thurs night again, and had to work on Fri morning. Poor him.
We had supper at Jln Kayu. My second time there (can never ever find the place by myself) and it was ok...I still don't see the hype about that place being the place for supper, but guys have the say in this I guess. Then it was back to my place for games...mainly card games. Brandon joined in till 3pm...I was quite worried throughout, especially when he didn't win some parts...but fortunately he decided to behave himself. That brat. I like him when he's not irritating me. XP Is that how I'll feel aboout my child next time? hahaa!!
Shuwen brought some sparklers, but they were whistling ones, so we couldn't play with them. Next time maybe! CNY!! SHUWEN, meet up kkkk...mahjong like the last time? This time we can add Bridge to the list of games.
We didn't sleep and went for breakfast at Commonwealth at around 545am, at cw's recommendation (he is such a food king). I bought some porridge and mom's favourite Starbucks coffee back for her after sending shuwen and chenwee back home. Mom was preparing to leave hoouse for the stadium when I reach home. Fortunately! Because I didn't bring my keys and would be locked out if she had left before I reached.
Shuwen came over to get her Game of Life back (she had left it in my car boot) and then i went back to gm's. And slept. The Starhub people were supposed to come and replace the setup box at 11, so I set my alarm to 1020, hoping to sleep for 2 hours...but I guess I didn't wake up (I remember hearing an alarm go off, but whatever happened after that, I can't remember. Oh man...I'm so worried about next time when no one will be there to wake me up and I instead have to be responsible to wake people up) so gf told the people to come another day. And so, I got to sleep till 1 plus, before I got woken up by the aircon serviceman. XP
I'm really glad that we had the sleepover because I just checked the coursework for next sem's subjects and it's really suffocating. I've got an assignment due on Tues already, and I don't even have class on Tues, meaning I need to go back to sch just to submit it. Haiz...the holidays is too short man! And I'm not looking forward to the next holiday - attachment.
And I'm missing my boy already. =(
------------------------For the smallest thing...
7:34 p.m. x 02.01.09
For the smallest things,
I get touched.
I get emotional.
I get overjoyed.
I get irritated.
I am angry.
Oh, Brandon's the temporary class chairman, because he's index 2 and today's 2Jan. Great start, hopefully.
ok, got to get ready for sleepiver soon....ciao.
angry.
------------------------HAPPY NEW YEAR
8:45 a.m. x 02.01.09
First entry of the year!
And it has to sound a little sad..(-"-;A ...ｱｾｱｾ
It has been a long while since I woke up this early. I woke up at 620am this morning!!
I'm so proud.
Today's 2nd Jan, first day of school for Primary schools, Secondary school and JC! Oh, I just read that JC1s start school on Feb 2, meaning no 'first three months' anymore...
I was supposed to send Brandon to school, but gm thought it wouldn't be safe because I would most probably be only half-awake, so she drove instead. I tagged along.
And it's so scary, but I had a sour feeling inside me throughout. Jealousy? His first day at Secondary School...and I really wish that he could break out of his little greenhouse and enjoy life - silly and waste-of-time as it may get - like I had...but given his past 6 years and the two people beside him, I'm worried for him.
Oh maybe I'm just too persistent on my brand of fun and school life.
And so, here's (one of) my new year resolution. I want to stop living in the past and focus on the future, or at least enjoy the present. That's the problem...I guess that's why I've always felt a little miserable at every point in time, because I was always living in the past, refusing to let go.
So that's my new year resolution.
HAPPY 2009 people!
------------------------
A.RA.SHI.