hate you to the power of infinity
1:00 a.m. x 14.03.09
why do you always make me cry?
you are the only one to ever do that.
Not even my mom does that.
Well done!
------------------------Project week
5:27 p.m. x 12.03.09
After an intensive period of preparing for the group presentation for AB214 Comm Strategies, it's finally over. Not completely though, because we still have a report due next week. But I'm glad it's mostly over, the parts requiring interaction with the team mates because somehow, we don't click. Maybe I've grown too used to working with the same people, so our groupthink and common perceptions have made progress smoother during projects. I need to work with new people, it's tough, but I have too or I won't be able to work with colleagues in the future.
Aniwaes, the presentation, I admit, didn't go too well. But it's over and till I get back my results, I will not brood over it. I'll try not to even after I get back my results.
The past week had been filled with project meetings. I had meetings on Monday from 9 to 12, then class and then 4 to 7, and on Wed from 1230 to 230 and then 430 to 7 again. Madness, madness, madness! And this is supposed to be the more relaxed week. The deadlines at the end of March (plus all the quizes) are the ultimate. One can only imagine the chaos during then.
I found out yesterday from Sam that her new room mate is Joan. What a coincidence. Joan from Nan Hua. MY GOSH. The world IS small.
------------------------ramblings, spur of the moment
10:34 p.m. x 03.03.09
This entry is senseless, and as the title suggests, written impulsively, so just skip it. It won't make sense to you.
hmpf.
I don't mind (I mind but I can let it go and just ignore it) you saying those things to me. Those words, the tone you say it with. The superiority, power, right you perceive to have over us who are indebted to you, that lace the words you say. Maybe it wasn't meant that way, but it sure sounded so. And if you did meant it that way, I will ignore it, because you've already hurt me so bad three months back, nothing can get worse, just as nothing can be salvaged.
But don't you do the same to my loved one. You've been like that all the while, but I guess I became one of your 'targets' just not so long ago. And with that in mind, I've became more sensitive to everything. Don't do that to her. It'll just put to waste the investment you've put in for so many years. It will turn me against you and feel me with disgust, not at you, but at myself. I want to break free, but it's impossible. So just make life easier for me and stop your nonsense.
You need 214 classes, especially on negative messages and how to keep goodwill. You are such a complicated person, yet most of what I see is arrogance even when occasional acts of kindness do appear. Behind it all, you're just a self-interested person trying to find ways to spend time and build up your imaginary goodwill with people.
I'm very fortunate to know you, yet I do regret my actions a decade ago. It had made my life a lifetime of debt and another a lifetime of giving in. If this is how you treat them, this shall be how I will treat you.
"我好憎佢". My heart hurt so bad when I heard that. Not hurting for you. It hurt because I know how bad it must be to have to accept all these cutting words and be at the brunt of your unreasonableness, feeling emotions that strong and yet not being able to vent it out. How heavy a burden, how suffocating a mask can it be?
------------------------Stabbing incident
8:05 p.m. x 02.03.09
From Channelnewsasia
NTU's final year engineering student stabs professor
Posted: 02 March 2009 1216 hrs SINGAPORE: A Nanyang Technological University (NTU) spokesman had confirmed that a final year student from the School of Electrical and Electronics Engineering stabbed a professor Monday morning.
The professor at the engineering faculty was in his office when the student stabbed him with a knife in the back.
Prof Chan Kap Luk, a Singaporean in his 40s, is said to be the supervisor of the fourth year student in a project.
After stabbing the professor, the male student - who was in his 20s - slit his wrists and jumped down a building at the engineering block.
His body was found at the bottom of the building, which was about five storeys high. He died from his injuries.
Prof Chan received medical treatment for cuts and is in stable condition.
NTU said both parties' next-of-kin had been notified.
NTU's president, Su Guaning, rallied the university community together and pledged to help the families of the professor and student.
He said the matter will be investigated thoroughly. The university has mobilised its counselling professionals to help.
Dr Su said: "The university is deeply shocked and saddened by what has happened... The university community will rally together at this difficult time and do our utmost to help the student's family, the professor and his family, and those traumatised by the incident."
What a way to start school again.
I was revising for my AA202 quiz during break at around 1130am in the reading room when I heard someone on the phone. What she said made almost everyone within hearing range look up from their books. She was exclaiming into the phone "Are you sure? Someone committed suicide in NTU?"
And that was the first hint of what was to fill the corridors of NTU. CK and I ignored it, having more important things (aka revision) on hand than some careless gossip which may not be true. After the quiz, however, the lecturer said something. In spite of him using the microphone, the extremely chatty bunch of students overpowered his voice, so all I could hear was "XXXX incident".
And then, the group went to the comp lab to do our project. There, Dennis received an sms from his friend saying that two people stabbed each other at the Engineering side of NTU. That got CK and I to share what we overheard earlier, and we concluded that what we heard must be a twisted version since Dennis' version fitted better with what the lecturer said previously - XXX incident, XXX being stabbing. We were wrong. Sylvie's mom called Sam right after to ask if she was alright, because she had heard from the radio about the incident. It was then that we realised that an Engineering student stabbed a professor and then ended his own life.
We turned to our friendly Internet, and found that article above. Later that afternoon, we all received from the NTU president an email regarding this incident.
It's really sad. Beyond sad, that something so gloom has taken place just the first day after the break. A final year student. A foreign student. I believe his parents must have put in a lot of effort to send him over, and he must have worked very hard to his final year. After all these challenges, he ended it all like this. Of course, we know nothing of the dealings and relationship between him and the professor, his FYP tutor. This incident was in the conversation almost everywhere I went and people were guessing the reason for the attack. What wrong (actual or perceived) could the professor have done to him that he had to vent his frustration by attacking him, hence putting a spot in his future, and committing suicide, hence ending his life? Was he too stressed by some problems in his FYP? I personally cannot comprehend how one can be driven to commit such an act. It takes a lot of courage to end one's life, really. Imagine having to give up all your have, all you dreamed of, all the people you will hurt....it take courage to die, really, because it's innate for us to survive.
This incident also reflected something I read in Pride and Prejudice. How fast can news, gossip, rumours spread, and how incomplete they can get as they pass from mouth to mouth.
Oh, I've finished reading PnP, taking a total of....3 days perhaps? It's a amaing book, and fortunately, I bought the one with annotations because it added so much richness to the book. I could understand the historical background and customs upon which the plot is built, without which the plot cannot proceed. Unfortunately, most of us wouldn't know of these customs, so having annotations by the side helps a lot, especially when old Victorian English makes it so hard to understand. There were many sentences with so many punctuations, so many sub-clauses, it was difficult to understand the meaning of the sentences without reading through at least thrice. Besides, there were a lot of complex words and even recognisable words held different meanings from before. The annotated version is a good buy! And interestingly, the county in which the story is set is Hertfordshire, the University which I wish to go for on exchange. XP
------------------------A blog-worthy post
4:07 p.m. x 26.02.09
First off, I got into Deloitte for the internship. Quite surprisingly. Oh well, I received a call during class yesterday (yes, even during 'break'. We had IT class, and although we're two sessions ahead of time, I still don't quite get what we had been learning) and I didn't answer it. Called back later but the person was out. I wasn't expecting anything since the interviewer told me to expect the results of the interview to be out on Friday, because they still had some candidates for interview on Wed. So it came as a surprise when she called back later to tell me abut the offer, giving me (how useful) till the end of the day aka 530 (she called back at 230) to decide. I accepted it. Given my less than stellar rsults, a good internship would help add something to my resume in the future. This was the best I could get, so there was really nothing to consider. Except for one thing. I received an email earlier regarding a chance to intern at a CPA in HK. Five positions, and because Cantonese and Mandarin are pre-requisites, I doubt many will apply. Of course my Cantonese isn't perfect. And that was the reason I gave myself to stop myself from thinking about it any future. I couldn't get a spot in HK Uni for exchange, so that remained a bit of a regret. If I could go there for an internship, it would have been so perfect. An overseas internship, at a CPA no less, would be so fulfilling. Oh well, Deloitte is good enough for me and I'm looking forward to learning more stuff there.
That wasn't the 'blog-worthy' bit though. Something I saw yesterday was. After a very long day of project (we spent like 2 hours trying to playback a video recording we did and at the end of everything, we didn't manage to), we decided to go to JP for dinner. I drove that day so Sam went with me in my car while the two guys went in Dennis'. And on the way out of school, I saw the msot beautiful thing ever. I didn't have a camera (and I was driving) so I could't take any photos. Fortunately, yy saw it too (from her house I guess) and took a photo. Here's the page. What I saw was much more beautiful in the sense that there weren't any buildings around at that particular location so you could see the whole arch spanning from one end of the ground, across the blue evening sky, to the opposite end of the ground. It truly looked like a bridge. And remember how we were told that actual rainbows don't really have 7 colours because we usually cannot see all the different colours clearly? This time, every colour was so so vivid and clear, you could see each of the colours distinctly. And then above the clearer rainbow was a faded one. It was really breath-taking, something I would never expect to see in Singapore. That was the first time I saw a rainbow, or at least a complete one.
That really made my day feel better. And it's amazing how yy could see it halfway across the island too! This goes to prove the lyrics from Somewhere Out There: And when the night wind starts to sing
A lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we're
sleeping underneath the
Same big sky.
My day started off bad because of someone I met in the FAL, someone who I had a bad first impression, gave some points for being helpful a while before, but then deducted every single point after that incident. I cannot believe how gossipy GUYS can be. It's impossibly irritating.
Btw, I have been playing on my keyboard the past few days. The sudden urge to play some music. =) I can play 100 years now! My poor poor fingers are aching like mad but I'm pleased with myself for I had not touched the keys for years. It's a easy piece though hehe.
Oh man sw and sh seemed to be having the time of their lives in hk. I'm going to apply to this uni in UK/that uni in Canada but even if I get in, I can only take one core subject and two electives, leaving me with four cores to clear when I come back for my final semester. Haiz...I had planned to have a more relaxed final semester... So if I do get in, I will make full use of the opportunity and time to maybe work there -the exchange rate!!- or tour around.
------------------------Reflection
11:33 p.m. x 19.02.09
Contains Chinese characters. Rmb to change the encoding to Chinese
如煙 from Mayday's latest album 後青春期的詩Translations done by me, very casually.
如煙
Like smoke我坐在床前 望著窗外 回憶滿天
生命是華麗錯覺 時間是賊 偷走一切
七歲的那一年 抓住那隻蟬 以為能抓住夏天
十七歲的那年 吻過他的臉 就以為和他能永遠
Sitting before the bed, I look outside the window and memories filled the sky
Life is a beautiful illusion, time a thief, stealing everything away
That year when I was 7, grabbing the cricket thinking I could grab the summer
That year when I was 17, kissing his face thinking we could last for eternity
有沒有那麼一種永遠 永遠不改變
擁抱過的美麗都 再也不破碎
讓險峻歲月不能在臉上撒野 讓生離和死別都遙遠
有誰能聽見
Is there a kind of eternity that never changes?
The beauty once embraced will never shatter again
And so time cannot leave its marks on our faces, and death and parting always stay far
Can anyone hear?
我坐在床前 轉過頭看 誰在沉睡 那一張蒼老的臉
好像是我 緊閉雙眼
曾經是愛我的 和我深愛的 都圍繞在我身邊
帶不走的那些 遺憾和眷戀 都化成最後一滴淚
Sitting before the bed, I looked back. Who's sleeping - that creased face
Looks like me, I shut my eyes
Those who once loved me, those I ocne loved, all surrounded me
Those that cannot be brought along - regrets and longings - become the last teardrop
有沒有那麼一滴眼淚 能洗掉後悔
化成大雨降落在 回不去的街
再給我一次機會 將故事改寫
或欠了他一生的 一句抱歉
Is there a kind of teardrop that can wash away regrets?
Turn into a downpour falling on the streets we cannot revisit
Giving me a chance to rewrite the story
Or to owe him a word of apology for a lifetime
有沒有那麼一個世界 永遠不天黑
星星太陽萬物都 聽我的指揮
月亮不忙著圓缺 春天不走遠
樹梢緊緊擁抱著樹葉 有誰能聽見
Is there a kind of world that never sees nightfall?
Stars, sun and all else listen to my commands
The moon doesn't rush to change shapes, summer doesn't leave
Branches embrace the leaves. Can anyone hear?
耳際 眼前 此生重演 是我來自漆黑 而又回歸漆黑
人間 瞬間 天地之間 下次我 又是誰
有沒有那麼一朵玫瑰 永遠不凋謝
永遠驕傲和完美 永遠不妥協
爲何人生最後會像一張紙屑 還不如一片花瓣曾經鮮豔
My life replays before my eyes - I came from darkness and will return to darkness
Earth, in a spilt second, who will I be next time?
Is there a kind of rose that never withers?
Forever proud ad perfect, never compromising
Why does life ends like a piece of paper, and not like a petal so bright and fresh?
有沒有那麼一張書籤 停止那一天
最單純的笑臉和 最美那一年
書包裡面裝滿了蛋糕和汽水
雙眼只有無猜和無邪 讓我們無法無天
Is there a kind of bookmark that can stop time?
The purest smile, the most beautiful year
School bag's filled with cakes and drinks
There's only trust and purity in those eyes - we did just what we want
有沒有那麼一首詩篇 找不到句點
青春永遠定居在 我們的歲月
男孩和女孩都有吉他和舞鞋
笑忘人間的苦痛 只有甜美
Is there a kind of poem where you cannot find a period?
Our youth stays in those years forever
Boy and girls all have guitars and dancing shoes
Laughing away all troubles, there is only sweetness
有沒有那麼一個明天 重頭活一遍
讓我再次感受曾 揮霍的昨天
無論生存或生活 我都不浪費 不讓故事這麼的後悔
Is there such a day where we could live once more?
So I can relish once more the yesterdays wasted
Whether to survive or to live, I will not waste the time, so the story won't be this regretable
有誰能聽見 我不要告別
我坐在床前 看著指尖 已經如煙
Can anyone hear I don't want to bid goodbye
Sitting before the bed, I look at my fingertips as they turned into smoke
That was a very casual translation so it may sound weird. If you can read (and make the effort to) the original chinese lyrics, it'll be so much more beautiful and meaningful.
My dear 阿信 writes the best lyrics, seriously. Add a beautiful melody and BAAM! You get a great song. I translated this because I heard it before I switched on my comp to type this entry. It kind of fits into what I wanted to blog about, which is something quite reflective, so please don't read on unless you are really bored. I just meant for this entry to be like a checkpoint, and for me to reflect on in the future.
Aniwaes, just know that I'm still (barely) living, just too suffocated by school work to blog.
To start off, I'm having a terrible sorethroat. It started on Sunday morning (3am). I was at my gm's watching tv after a long day (not of studying because that afternoon I got so carried away with Bridget Jones 2 and followed by Collin Firth's Pride and Prejudice that I was watching tv from 3pm onwards in spite of my study plans). But I dozed off and woke up only at 3am to find the show over and my throat hurting. Before that, there wasn't any symptom at all. It just happened, and lasted till now.
You know, I don't usually go to the doctor's unless I'm feeling really bad, but this time I did go to the doctor's because of two reasons:
(i) My friends's friends Slyvie had a sorethroat a while ago and when she went to the doctor's, he said it was a voicebox infection and she should avoid speaking the next 24hrs or risk losing her voice, permanently. So I was worried.
(ii) I need to recover soon for my internship interview on Tuesday (more on that later)
So I went to the clinic I always went to since young, only to find the name of the clinic and the doctor and nurses changed. Apparently my dear Doc Peng retired. =( I absolutely liked him...he was a kind man and always gave me really yummy vatamin C in the shape a flintstone characters, which I can never find in stores. I really miss him, somehow. Aniwaes I felt cheated after I got the medicine because those were the same as what my godmom gave me (she bought them from the pharmacy I think) and I only went into the doctor's room for less than 5 min.
And on the way to school after that, something Ms Ng said struck me. I was deciding between medicine and accountancy back then, and when I asked her about it, she said, amongst others, "You don't see people waiting for accountants or lawyers. But people wait for doctors." Yes, I waited 20 min for my turn at the clinic. And I felt the importance of the profession more clearly than ever.
I don't usually regret my decisions. Not when I chose to go SAJC because of emotional reasons that drove the logical reasonings, even though I could have gone to a more highly ranked school. The only two regrets I can remember are my refusal to get braces in Sec 1, and now, this. Now, I want to state down why I didn't go for medicine before I forget, so this will always stay as a lesson.
One reason was the procedures. The one selection test and two interviews plus the many paperworks (testimonials and essays) needed seemed daunting. For I wasn't too sure of any career choice back then, I wasn't confident that I could convince the people there that I deserved a place in the medicine school. Another one, the one I told people about, was that I felt I wasn't ready for it. Despite Ms Ng telling me how she felt the same before, I still felt that I wasn't capable of taking responsibility for people's lives.
Last year, I was feeling quite disillusioned, but now, all I feel is regret, because there's nothing I can do. I've got a spot for an interview next week. Which brings me to my next topic.
I was shocked on Wednesday when my uni schoolmates, at separate occasions, asked about and congratulated me for winning an interview spot. I never really told anyone but it seemed that they all knew about it. It was then that I realised that there was an open list of successful applicants for each company. And apparently, they saw my name. That was fine, until IT class where someone in my class, whom I had never talked to before came up to me and asked me about it. He got a spot too it seems. I was irritated. I mean, why would anyone go through the list looking for people's names? Ok, if that's a close friend, maybe the name just caught your eye. But I'm not even on greeting terms with him. Yes, I am biased. Double standards. Whatever, because that was my actual feelings back then. I was horrified that everyone knew who got what, which makes it very difficult if I failed the interview. Plus, he had to go on to say that his interviewer is kind of acquainted with him through his sister or something. I'm sensitive to this because I hate people to think I got a chance because of connections. It sucks and I hate it more than anything. It totally denies me of my hard work and my capabilites. In fact, it got me doubting too, because my CGPA isn't high and it didn't make sense how I could be one of the 30+40 people who got a spot, when many more should have applied.
Yes, this is a period of low confidence. After being rejected twice for my application for INSTEP (meaning many were better in results), I'm really feeling things I never felt before. During CommFund class today, the instructor asked if we had ever been rejected (negative message). I thought about it. Not really. The only ones I remembered were the student council one (which I did halfheartedly and so wasn't really affected by it), the HwaChong JC one (I knew it was because of all the higher MT and affliation points that put me at disadvantage even with me perfect score so that didn't bring me down) and the law entrance tests and interview one. The latter stayed with me for quite some time, because I was expecting better having given a boost of confidence by the A Level exams back then. But since the legal profession wasn't really my interest, I didn't care much.
So you see, I've so far had a smooth sailing academic life. So when things get a little shaky now, my confidence dips. I try hard not to hold too high expectations because that will demotivate at the end of the day. But then again, I'm used to high expectations and I want to have high expectations. I was a little hurt when my gf said a few weeks ago, "If your grades are first class honours, usually the companies will scout you and send you job offers before you graduate," when I asked him about how the internship-permanent job offer thing worked. And I had told him I was most probably a second upper just a while before that. I think I disappointed not just myself but also people around, especially because, like my gm said, the passion in me wasn't burning anymore.
Yesterday, while on the train home, CK told me, "Don't worry, 你是行的", regarding the interview and my suspicions that it was through some strings pulling that I got the spot. I was touched by that simple line. I'll try to regain my confidence. I must stop thinking what I've been thinking - just quickly go marry and be a housewife. lol.
Ok, end of reflection, time for bed. =)
------------------------
A.RA.SHI.